


Sometimes

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Therapy, but Balthazar is the cheater here, mention of Dean/Lisa - Freeform, mention of drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 16:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2658656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's hard, meeting Dean and adjusting his life to this new scorching light."</p><p>Castiel lives with Balthazar. They learned how to deal with his past and anxieties, and he's happy, he thinks.<br/>But then comes Dean, who wants to makes him talk, wants to be his friend and makes him feel.</p><p>wonderful art by linneart : http://linneart.tumblr.com/post/112625485725</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there.  
> I was toying for a while with a Baz/Cas fic, but this one (despite the first chapters) is very truly a Destiel one.  
> But I must warn you, the Balthazar/Cas love story is really important here, so if it's something you're not comfortable with, maybe this isn't for you.
> 
> Child abuse is a very heavy subject, please never be afraid to speak up if you need to talk to someone.  
> Domestic violence is a very serious subject, and I tried really hard not to glamorize it. No one should ever touch you without consent, hurt you or make you feel unsafe. Don't ever hesitate to seek for help and call the police.
> 
> Unfortunately not beta'd, so mistakes are all my own because I'm an annoying French.

Sometimes, he dreams. He dreams of his family, huge white figures, always judging him. He dreams of his mother's cold brown eyes when she used to beat him. Slaps that would make him dizzy. Burns. And the screams. He remembers the hunger, too afraid of them to venture into the kitchen to find food. He remembers.

Balthazar wraps him up in his arms and his fresh mint scent. He holds him close, so close. Balthazar has a way to make everything seem easy and calm. He's out shopping, or reading, and suddenly it's a wave he's incapable to stop. He just lets himself sink. Balthazar is his anchor, the one who brings him back with a hug and sweet nonsense in his ears. The rumble of his voice guiding him back to the shore.

Balthazar is the calm he needs when everything is storming inside his head. He drags him into shops and theaters, makes him sits through awful movies and hilarious TV shows. He questions everything, and makes him talk, talk, all night long, about the world, and his beliefs, and makes him feel exhilarated, just like the wine they always drink.

They live in a little house, wake up together, have coffe together, leave together. They sometimes kiss. Sometimes he lets his fingers trace the smooth lines of the body beneath his, and sometimes he can't make himself go to his room, but end up in a huge bed with soft sheets and the taste of mint of his tongue. Body heavy but happy, for a while.

It's hard, meeting Dean and adjusting his life to this new scorching light. 

The first time they talk, he trembles all the way home, and has to sit himself in the shower just to calm down. 

The first time Dean whispers an invitation, low to his ear, he spills his beer all over himself and leaves. 

The first time Dean comes over and see Balthazar, Castiel see his friend's (lover's ?) blue eyes falter for a second. Later on, he sees him drinking in the kitchen, in the dark. That night, he cries and tries to tell himself he'll never see Dean again. He doesn't need a friend.

Dean calls the day after. He doesn't go to work, but instead climb into the Impala, and they drive away, past fields, and finally to a forest, where they park. Dean talks . About fire, about heavy firsts and whiskey.  
Castiel talks. He doesn't think he ever did, but he tries. Talks about Gabriel, and his laugh on the phone. About his and Balthazar's childhood, about them being together from day one.  
Dean talks about Bobby, about Adam, about how when he spent most of his life wanting something John wouldn't give him, Bobby was there teaching him how to fish, kissing his head when he thought he was asleep, and always listening.  
Castiel talks about his Dad, about them connecting after he left his mother. About how it's weird to see his Dad as a friend, and not as this saving figure. He talks about Michael, how he misses him, most of the time.  
Dean waits.  
Castiel tries to breathe.  
Dean says "you know I wouldn't judge you, man"  
Castiel cries silently.

His voice is broken when he talks about Luc and everything that happened. He stills doesn't remember much, and that terrifies him. He talks about his mother, and how God became her way to close her eyes upon what was happening under her roof. He talks when Dean brings the car back to life, and starts to go back. He talks when Dean drives with a hand firmly grasping his. He talks when he sees Dean's eyes, red, filled with tears and so angry. 

The silence after is a weight on them both.

"I never said this to anyone, ever" Green light.

"Balthazar ?" Turn. Left.

"He doesn't need to hear. He was there." Stop.

Dean takes him back to the house, a little after lunch time. Castiel thinks he'll probably never see him again, when the car pulls away from the driveway. No one could possibly deal with everything he said, but maybe it's okay. Maybe he just needed to say those things. They're not on his shoulders anymore.

He smiles as he unlocks the door, grabs the mail. He lights a fire, put some candles and music, and starts to roll up his sleeves.

When the tall blond man opens the door, he has a wary smile on his lips. Castiel knows he must've seen the light from the street, from the windows. It's been too long since they last endulged in taking time off. The house smells like chicken in the heavy wine sauce, chocolate and firewood. It smells like home. 

That night, Castiel forget green eyes and black car and forest, and tries to convey in kisses and heavy moans how happy he is to be here and alive. 

"I love you too" he says tracing his lover's (friend's ?) chest and feeling the erratic heartbeat under his fingertips. Balthazar looks into his eyes, searching for answers he can't seem to find. They sleep. In the morning, Castiel suggest they turn his room into a guest room, or a study. He goes to work still feeling Balthazar's smile on his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

He sees Dean, sometimes. Often. It's not like he wants to, but he's always happy seeing him smile above two cups of coffee "I'm sure you were working too hard, you deserve a freaking break dude." He is scared of Dean, scared of talking, but still he always smiles back and enjoys the coffee and sweets, enjoys the warmth of his friend (his friend ?), and the way he always feels lighter after. They talk about family. About what they went through. Dean seems to believe they're both soldier, and he considers it his mission to help Cas back "into the real world. You need to purge this out of your system. You need to learn how to be happy all over again".

Cas thinks he is happy, now. He tells Dean about the bed in Balthazar's room, their room now. Their bed. About how he'll probably never be ready for a nursery, about Balthazar being too old now for a nursery. About how he had cried about it, but made peace with the fact he wouldn't be a father.  
Dean looks at him with something in his eyes but says nothing.

They talk.

Castiel doesn't remember anymore. He knows. He accepts. He realises. He doesn't sink anymore.

 

One day, he's cutting leeks next to Balthazar in their kitchen, when he says "Mother used to burn the sole of my feet." Balthazar doesn't look at him. "I just remembered." He looks at the man next to him, and see the pain on his face. "She made me say sorry afterwards".

Balthazar leaves the room. The frontdoor slams shut. When he comes back later that night, smelling like someone else and port, Castiel doesn't look at him and goes to sleep in his old room. There's no bed. He sleeps on the floor.

He starts to shake again, when people he doesn't know speak to him. It's something he didn't miss.

He doesn't tell Dean about that night. He never lied to his friend (his friend ?) and he feels guilty. Feeling guilty triggers lots of other emotions he does't like to deal with. He remembers his mother's words, and how worthless they made him feel. He think about the smell of expensive perfume on his lover's shirt (his lover ?). About the condoms now in their bathroom. 

He loses weight, but tells himself it's not that important. His boss is very happy with the time he spends at the office, and he gets a promotion and a raise. Dean takes him to a bar he knows to celebrate. He asks if they should invite Balthazar, but doesn't insist. Castiel smiles and blushes when all these people come to have a drink with him, finally happy to meet Dean's best friend. Jo, Ellen, Ash, Sam, Kevin, Bobby, Victor, Charlie. It's a lot of people. He doesn't shake, not even when Sam, a little drunk, tells him to take care of his big brother before hugging him.

Balthazar isn't home when he gets back. He sends a text to Kevin to thank him and gladly accept the sleeping bag the young man doesn't need anymore. He throw up in the shower and tries to convince himself it's from the two beer and burger, and not the pain in his chest. 

He goes into Balthazar's bed and waits. When he arrives he loses himself into his arms, lips searching for the mint and rain taste. 

He can almost taste someone else on his tongue. 

He cries while his friend fucks him into the mattress, whispering apologies and love into his neck.

In the morning, he asks Ash if he could help him retrieve his old bed from the attic and put it back in the room. Balthazar tries to call several times. He calls him dove, and cries, and says he's sorry. Castiel misses lunch, and dinner. And breakfast.  
He is used to hunger.

Dean tries to corner him. Castiel hides into his new office, where he is safe. He told his new assistant to screen calls and visitors, and so far he's been safe.  
Except he doesn't really remember how safe felt.  
Dean is waiting for him, sitting in the hood of the Impala in the parking lot, and Castiel shakes.

Dean doesn't smell like mint. Dean doesn't speak nonsense and help him back. Dean is like fire, Dean is light, Dean casts all the demons back to Hell. 

Still Castiel tells him to leave and never to come back.


	3. Chapter 3

Now when he wakes up, he can still feel tears on his eyelashes.   
He grabs coffee on his way, and the plants in the kitchen are all dead.  
Sometimes Balthazar come to his bed, and in the morning he thinks never waking up would probably hurt less.  
Sam calls, sometimes. He senses something is wrong. He says "You're my friend too, Cas. If you can't tell Dean, you can tell me". Castiel doesn't really talk much. He likes the silence. Sometimes he wishes he could've stayed silent. 

"Silence baby brother" Luc used to say, "We don't want to wake up Mother". When it didn't work, when Castiel couldn't stop crying, hiccups too loud, he would just murmur about going to Gabe's room. This helped.

This doesn't help.

 

Balthazar doesn't go out anymore, but he's not really sure. One night he came out of his room to see him sitting on the floor just outside. They held hands and went to the fireplace, listened to some old french songs, and fell asleep on the couch.   
Maybe in a few months, or a few years, he would forget about the scratches on his friend's back, and about the smell of Bleu de Chanel.   
Balthazar was his first. There was a time he was sure they would belong to each other for the rest of their lifes.   
Now he realises Balthazar wasn't really his first, and of course he wouldn't want a broken toy to spend his life with. 

He runs, he swims. He falls asleep in his car, and wakes up in the morning still in the parking lot. Balthazar screams a lot, before engulfing him into a fierce hug. He's just too exhausted to hold him back. He falls asleep at the kitchen table.

 

Ash is a weird man, but probably one of the nicest man he knows. He starts to bring him burger after seeing him on a run, shirtless. Castiel thinks it's an overreaction, but the food is good, and Ash babbles a lot about everything, about the Roadhouse and Jo, about Sam and Dean, about how Bobby would like to see him more.  
Castiel nods politely but doesn't really know what to say.  
Still he feels more alive everytime. 

He tries to make an effort about seeing people and calls Sam. He doesn't want to think about Dean, about Dean's too wide eyes the last time they saw each other. And for once, his mind listens.  
Sam's eyes scans his whole body and he doesn't return the smile Castiel is sporting when he enters the bar. Still they have a good time. They talk about Sam's new job, and they have a long and interesting argument about ethics and morals.   
Sam mention Dean is at Bobby's, and asks if Castiel wants to crash, when Ellen tells them to get lost. He's too drunk to remember how, but he ends up on the Winchester's couch, Sam snoring softly next to him.

Balthazar catches the smell of booze, the rumpled clothes and gets to his own conclusion. He breaks his nose.  
He apologizes in the E/R, and cries after Castiel explains to a tired intern he just got caught in a bar fight.  
Castiel doesn't talk for the rest of the day.   
The next day.  
The day after.

He does stupid things.

He starts to sleep at his office, and gets praised by Zachariah for being so selfless.

He stops answering his phone, unless it's work or his boyfriend (friend ?). It stops ringing after a while.

He runs almost everyday now, but he starts to feel tingling in his legs and arms afterwards. At night, he wakes up not feeling his fingers. He's so cold all the time.

He discovers taking a painkiller with coffee every four hours helps him going, and finds time for them in his routine.

He still can't forget the kaleidoscope of Dean's eyes, Balthazar's eyes, Luc's eyes. He goes for a swim.

One night, he comes back home, and he has Luc's name tattoed on his arm.


	4. Chapter 4

Balthazar holds him close at night, and makes love to him slowly. Afterwards, he talks about holidays, and moving out to Provence, about visiting new countries and getting married, maybe.  
Castiel wonders how happy Balthazar would've been without him. He pictures his past lovers and imagines them with kids, in a big house full of laughters and sun.  
Not here with a broken toy.

Balthazar takes him to a nice doctor with kind eyes, who asks Castiel if he's ready to talk. He just shakes his head and flinch when Balthazar tries to hold his hand.  
He goes out but his friend (his friend ?) stays for the session.  
On their way home, Balthazar cries in his hand like a kid, while Castiel drives them safely to their place. 

Two days later, he's home drunk. 

Castiel goes to the E/R alone. There's blood on his shirt, and his head is hurting. His nose his in bad shape, and has a black eye, and the intern from before recognized him. It's not a good day.

He spots Dean with a beautiful woman, laughing on the sidewalk across the street. Dean spots him and for a second doesn't recognize him.  
When he does Castiel has already ran away.

 

Dean tries to call 33 times. 

Castiel looks at the screen and watch it go to voicemail 33 times.

It's almost ten when he can hear someone banging at the door, and for a moment he's afraid Balthazar is too drunk to open it by himself.  
At his door, Ash, Sam, Dean and Bobby.  
Having the old man hug him before discarding him with an insult is a little overwhelming. Sam asks if Balthazar is here, and his eyes are wide and sad, when he inspects Castiel's face. He can see Bobby and Dean going to his room with big cardboard boxes, and he suddenly realises he's moving out. He falls into Sam's arms and sobs. Sam is big, Sam gives the best hugs, with his too big arms and too big heart. 

He finds himself in a room at the Winchester's, that was waiting for him, it seems. He spots his name on the mailbox, and there's a shelf for his books and everything, Dean explains while the other have retreated outside. They are silent for a while, and then he can hear him (his best friend) murmur "So, you and Sam, then ?"

Castiel looks at him, too shocked to say anything, and just shakes his head slowly. " I saw you two on the couch, figured. I mean, you guys make sense." Dean smiles and it doesn't reach his eyes. He looks tired, and he seems distressed. "Why didn't you say anything, man ?" Dean hold a hand to the side of his face that isn't bruised, and let his thumb brush against his cheekbone. " You're my best friend, it's my job to take care of you." 

"Who was your friend ?" He hates himself for asking, and from the way Dean tenses around him when they finally hug, he kind of knows the answer. And he doesn't understand how unhappy and hurt he feels. "Sam is my friend." he adds. "I am not in love with him." He doesn't remember the last time he spoke, out of sheer necessity, and his throat closes suddenly. He chokes, can't breathe.

Dean hold him until he's well enough to get into the Impala.

He talks. Dean listens.

He talks about Luc, about how Balthazar was always here, but never wanted to know or to hear anything. About how much they love each other, but how they will never be happy together. He talks about Ash, and Kevin, and Sam. He talks about missing Dean, about the pills in the morning, and during the day. He talks about food and how he would like to go back see the therapist, now that he's ready. He talks about the other men and Balthazar and how dirty he feels.

When they arrive at the forest, he shows Dean his tattoo, and Dean traces it with his fingers. 

Dean talks about missing Castiel like a lost limb, about loving him. He talks about coming out to Bobby, because everyone just knew he was in love, and it was no use trying to hide anymore. He talks about Lisa, and how easy it had been when he was so sure Castiel was happy and done with him, and even easier when Castiel was hurting and lashing out. He talks about feeling guilty for failing him, and Castiel hold his fingers to his lips.

They sleep in the car.

In the morning, they go back to the Winchester's (home ?), and Sam feeds them pancakes and coffee, fussing around Castiel like a mother hen. He teases Dean about having to fight him for Castiel, now, and they joke around, while Castiel manages to eat breakfast. He calls work and say he won't be able to make it. He calls the therapist and gets an appointment in the afternoon.

Then he calls Balthazar.


	5. Chapter 5

When they see each other, a week after, his face is still hurting a little, and his eye is still purple. Balthazar looks old.  
They hold each other for a long time, and kiss, and whisper.  
One says he'll always love Balthazar, and while he'll probably never forget the betrayal, he cannot bring himself to be mad at the violence, and that's why he should go.  
The other swears he loves him and only him, but he just cannot go on like they were. He's just not strong enough, even if he doesn't know how he will live without him. He just doesn't like the man he became.

Castiel cannot imagine a world without him. Doesn't want to. When he leaves, still feeling his lover (ex lover) on him, he goes back to the same tattoo artist, and gets his name on his heart.

Balthazar moves away, to an appartement close to the university.  
Castiel goes to therapy twice a week. He stops taking the pills. Now Sam joins him on his run and occasional swim, and they talk about work and family, books and documentaries. Dean is still a little jealous, calling them lovebird, and Castiel laugh. The first time it happens, Dean looks at him with so much love in his eyes Castiel think he's falling in love too, and it does't scare him at it used to. They still need to adjust. Dean doesn't react well to the new addition to Castiel's body, and Castiel discovers he's jealous and possessive when it comes to his boyfriend. 

Because Dean is his boyfriend. 

Sam had yelled at them to get their shit together after another fight "How the Hell am I supposed to deal with his NAME on your chest ?" "The same way I'm supposed to deal with Jo's flirting everytime you go out ?"

So they're now in a relationship "A monogamous relationship, dude, it's MY name that should be there" and Cas does't remember the last time he's been so happy.

He still has nightmares. After the sessions when he talks about his family, he's often too raw. He goes back to the silence, and doesn't want to eat. Dean kisses his forehead and hugs him, plays guitar for him and takes him to see the stars. And when Dean starts to snap, when even Sam cannot make him smile and everything is fire, mom and dad, Castiel makes him coffee, kisses him until he's dizzy and lets him watch tv in peace until he's better.  
Sometimes he even bakes pie. 

He still loves Balthazar, he thinks he always will, but he learns his love for Dean is just different. And perfect. 

Months pass, and Castiel feels less like Castiel, and more like Cas. He looks back and thinks he doesn't have much in common with the man he was before. He learns he can write, he loves to write, and he has a weird sense of humor that can send both his roomates into fits of giggles. Once Sam even fell on the floor laughing after one of his comebacks, and it's a great memory. He learns he's strong, and capable. He doesn't need an anchor anymore, he doesn't break easily.  
He goes back to the tattoo parlor, and get a huge piece on his arms, covering Luc's name completely. Dean jokes about still not getting his name on him, but on Cas' arm there's now leaves and trees, and he seems happy enough to run his lips over it, over and over.

Castiel hadn't been able to have sex at first, and while in the beginning it made him feel like a failure, he now understands he needed time to heal from everything, including his childhood. When he feels guilty, Dean usually provides a list of chores he could do to make himself useful. Dean has been tackled several times on the floor for that answer, laughing like a maniac. Not once has Castiel felt anything but safe, even when they really fight, when they slam door and glare at each other with poor Sam caught in the middle. Castiel is, for the first time in his life, free, and happy.

He gets letters, sometimes. Balthazar is now in Provence, in a house they could've shared, and he genuinely asks about Dean, Sam and Cas, and how they are.  
Dean usually pouts until proven he's favorite. Castiel can work with that. He can work with the way Dean's eyes get cloudy with need when they kiss, when he allows himself to touch and be touched. Everything is new to him, everything is a wonder. The way Dean wimpers in his mouth when he gets inside him, the way he claws at Cas' back and urges him faster, harder. The way he looks when he comes. And, most of all, the way Dean craddles him after, the way he takes care of Cas and reassures him this is okay, this is them and this is love. 

Sometimes, Cas dreams. Sam has been talking about leaving for a while, now, and Dean has said something about a nursery. Sometimes, Castiel dreams, and lately, his nights are full of laughter, and he's holding a tiny baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is done. I guess it was something I needed to write to be able to focus on happier or lighter things. I am not exactly happy with the form, so there's a good chance I'll rewrite some parts. 
> 
> AMAZING art by Linneart right here : http://linneart.tumblr.com/post/112625485725
> 
> As usual, kudos and comments are warm brownies to the soul, and you can find me right here :  
> http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/


End file.
